I find it funny that ever since I separated myself from Taylor a little bit, life has become much more fun and less stressful! I can’t determine if it’s because of his crazy ass relationship, but I think it may have something to do with the fact that we are good friends, but with too much time together, his man got a little too jealous.

The past week has been simply amazing. I’m still staying with David, the BEST host of my life. He has been so amazing to me and we have been having a lot of fun. We go out a lot and we both enjoy doing crazy things like gender fuck clothing and fun makeup. He is just so much fun! 

Because of him I was introduced to many other Queens who make me happy to be living in Seattle. Because there are so many opportunities to be a fabulous Queen here without restricting yourself to just one venue with ONE drag family. 

Basically. David, thank you. <3 I owe you so much. 

WTF!!!

This is kind of how I feel about Valentines day right now. :)

imthe1ukeep:

Said with love

Pretty damn accurate.

Quite honestly I feel very angry right now. I tried to have a conversation with the boyfriend today… Turns out he took EVERY FUCKING THING I said wrong, and decided to just bitch and bitch and bitch about me to the man I was sleeping with. I’m gonna have to give them names at this point… The man I was sleeping with shall be: Scott. The boyfriend will be: Skyler. 

Scott got some fun messages from Skyler today after our conversation. I thought it had gone really well, but it turns out that Skyler is a fucking whiney bitch about everything and takes every thing as some kind of insult or attack on his morals, relationship, or just plain a personal attack. 

I did not know this because yes, I was brutally honest with my opinions about some things, and apparently…. That was a bad idea. Because then he went and bitched to Scott about it. I was just extremely frustrated by this. Because I am trying to be a good friend to Scott, and Skyler decides he just wants to be a bitch about the whole situation, especially considering I didn’t spill the beans about Scott and I having sex. I felt it wasn’t my place to be the one to correct the lies, and I can’t tell if it would have been better off that way in the first place. 

Now Scott wants me to ‘open up’ and be honest with him about how I am feeling, yet he gives me many reasons for why I should not continue to trust him with my emotions. I opened up to him today, and he just turned out to be a total prick about it in the end. I want to stay friends with him and I do enjoy opening up to him, but not when he decides he wants to be a prick. 

Sure, I’ll continue to be his friend, and yes, I will continue to open up with him. But there’s a big chance I’m going to hold back from now on. I just don’t know what I can believe from him or not at this point. 

I got a shit load of reality-checks today, which kicked me on my ass, that was when I opened up to him… I now can’t tell if I really trust him enough to open up or not. 

I’m glad I have tumblr now, because I can now write all the bull shit I want to let out when I’m angry. It helps me cool down. And I don’t regret anything I write, because this is when my pure emotions come out. 

I have my Angry Man Playlist on, and I am typing my emotions as Scott sits on the bed, talking to Skyler. Scott is mad at me because I made some inappropriate jokes about me driving my car in to a lake. Such a bitch about it. I don’t even know if I want to be here with him considering that he is kind of a douche. Of course, I understand that Skyler comes first, but at least he could try and understand where I am coming from here. 

Damn… Even my angry face looks cute!

<3

After my post last night I seriously looked at the Open Relationship I was in the middle of. I am now on the outside of said relationship. I watched a fight happen, and it happened because I was in the middle. Was it my choice to be put in the middle of the bull shit? No, but I was put there because there was a sexual relationship happening with one of them. It complicated things, beyond what any intentions I had for this… situation. After hearing what was going on in the argument, I decided that I was going to completely remove myself as an issue or participant in the drama. 

I made it clear that friendship is all I want/will want out of this relationship and that there is no way I’m going to be involved again. Some don’t think I can pull it off, but I have already shown myself that there is no issue in separating myself from the situation. Unfortunately, it means saying some words, that probably, will cause some pain… But in the long run, it will show him that he needs to remember the situation he is in and the pain it can cause if he chooses to continue doing what he is to his relationship.

Last night I learned that the man I was sleeping with lied to his boyfriend. He told him that we had not had sex, and that we only cuddled. To me, it is unacceptable. It’s something I do not condone, and will never understand. The “need” to lie for protections sake makes no logical sense to me. If someone is hurting because of something you have done, then be honest with them. This man instead decided that he will wait until the time is right to tell his boyfriend how he lied to him and we did have sex. 

I am a little concerned because this mans boyfriend, is now my friend on Facebook…. After some messages, I kept up with what I was told, and hopefully, he won’t try and go too far back on my timeline and see what I have been tweeting recently… 

I feel that I should know the man whose boyfriend I was sleeping with, it’s only polite right? I feel I should get to know him so I can see both sides, rather than the one that is continually told to my face. One side of the story is that I know for a fact the man I am sleeping with is lying to his boyfriend. The other side of the story.. is the one being lied to as this shit is going on. So I want to know each side of the relationship considering I’ve already ended up in the middle twice now. Speaking to his boyfriend…. It seems so one sided… Even the boyfriend thinks that it’s two sided, when he is blinded by his heart and his desires with his boyfriend. Now, he is doing it for love, I can respect that. But I can’t respect putting your own morals and values on the opposite side so your boyfriend will stay with you… I’m not going to say anything and complicate anything happening, but it just shocks me… It seemed even, but now… It’s much more clear…. 

Oh well, not my issue here, theirs. So now to make sure I’m in the clear.  

<3

Currently, I am in the middle… On many things: An open relationship, my political views, my emotions, and the decision to quit smoking. 

Open Relationship: I am in the middle on this because I’m currently very good friends with someone in an open relationship. I would dare call him one of my best friends… Thing is, we have had sex, Oral, and I have eaten his ass on two occasions, not to mention I swallowed his load… (You can ask anyone, I don’t do that for like… ANYONE). Supposedly, everything is fine between them when it comes to his desire to have sex. Well, it appears there are some definite differences when it comes to the long field of opportunities that arise when a couple is open about their sexual partners. I am one of those sexual partners. He claims that I am his best friend and that our relationship is us, being best friends, who may have been intimate at one point, but are putting the brakes on that part for now. I’m okay with that, yes, I have difficulty keeping my hands off, but I am doing very well considering the opportunities I have had. Believe it or not, I came up with rules for when we hang out, even though I’m the one who has issues following them. Now, my issue with the situation, is that when they have an argument about the open relationship part, or when his boyfriend has an issue with what’s going on… I’m the one in the middle who gets treated negatively by my friend when things go wrong, and his boyfriend seems to have the wrong idea about what I want from him. It’s getting quite irritating I must admit… However, I refuse to lose a friend because of some jealousy issues, no matter the cause, considering I was informed it was an open relationship, so I’m not being a home-wrecker at all. That’s one thing I’m in the middle on.

My political views: I’m really not going in to my political views on here, because that’s a can of shit I don’t wanna open, just wanted to point out that men, aren’t the only thing that I’m working with here. :P

My Emotions: On one hand, I have an attraction to a few men, on the other… I don’t really want to be involved romantically with all of them. I don’t just want to have sex with them either. It’s a very difficult situation. Some of them I know would be better as a friend to me, some I think would be good lovers, and some of them I would consider dating. I know for a fact I’m not exactly looking to be in a relationship right now, so I don’t think dating would be the best idea in case one of them were to develop emotional feelings stronger than what I’m looking for. But I don’t just wanna have sex with them. So I’m in the middle because I want to explore my options with all of them, but I think I want to keep sex out of it period. That way I’m not being a slut… But at the same time, Why not have fun with just one of them? It’s a complicated situation with a few of them. But I don’t plan on just ignoring any of them. I’ve got to look at some of them and make some decisions. No problem. 

Smoking: I’m only on the fence because I feel it would maybe open up some doors with men, but if they don’t like me how I am, then should I really be considering them? Sure, it’s determined to be unhealthy… But it’s something that calms and relaxes me… I enjoy it. I don’t want to give it up for someone, but maybe I’ll give it up for myself?

Full of complications. Never really finding the answers when I wish, just have to let them come to me. 

<3

After all the years of living with shit happening around me, the past few years got so much easier. Learning how to deal with people’s lies, and bull shit helped me more than I imagined it would. 

Now when I look at people, I feel compassion and sympathy, no matter their situation. I feel strong enough, to handle anything that is thrown at me. It was something I could not do for a long time. I still have some issues, because I try and keep people at a distance. I keep many people at a distance, but they feel we are closer than blood. Unfortunately we aren’t. 

But really, can you blame me for that? No. It’s a natural part of being human and having flaws. 

Okay, to some people, my drinking habits, and smoking habits are vices. To some, they don’t like that I don’t go to the gym, or eat super healthy, and some don’t like that I choose to be sexually active. Well, My vices to myself are that I can either be completely full of love for a person, or I can give two shits less than I already do. Yep, I’m kind of an ass hole, I’m a prick. I’ve been informed several times today that I am a dick, and an ass hole, so that makes me a gay man’s dream land right??? Wrong, I’m still a regular guy who has flaws, vices, and has opportunities to grow every day I live. 

Do I grow every day? Yes. Little by little I step up a little more and become a better person…

But DAYUM!!!!! Would people stop expecting me to grow 5X every damn day?!?!

Sure, I grow, and I learn more about myself and my heart every day, but seriously, quit expecting me to be fucking Ghandi by morning. It’s never going to happen. Even as a compassionate man, I still feel pain and I still feel anger. 

This morning… (really this afternoon about 3-4pm) When I decided to shower, I seriously spent about 15 minutes in the shower, with the cold water on, crying. It’s not something I’m going to really explain here, but I am strong enough to say that I can be weak. On the outside, I’m a tough bitchy cunt who doesn’t give a shit about what people do to hurt me. On the Inside…. I am soft, caring, and full of love for others. So when that part gets injured, I’m no bitch about admitting I have pain. 

Lets see how long I can keep that up before just becoming a big softy huh? Either that or I become a heartless bitch. Who knows? I do, because there’s one thing I’m sure about.

Like my favorite Super Hero: Wonder Woman. 

I am Strong Enough. 

Dealing with emotional issues this week and realizing how much I care for people whom I don’t know very well… I decided to go to bar after bar, drinking, getting a little crazy, and dancing all night long. Then one night happened, where I had fun going out, yet I wanted more than anything, to spend it with a close friend.

Someone who has had some emotional conflict with me, and I wasn’t exactly sure how to handle it. There are emotions running hot every time I see him, and sexual tension every day we hang out. 

We do our best to resist the sexual urges, sometimes it gets the better of me, but I’m doing much better at restraining. I don’t like doing it, and I certainly dont enjoy basically teasing myself, but for a friend of this magnitude, I feel like I need to keep my distance. Emotionally, and physically. But will I listen to my own advice??? NO.. I almost never do. 

In this situation I forced myself to just sit back and let him do what he wants. Sure, he teases me sexually, he excites me mentally and emotionally, and above all, he shows that he cares. I don’t like that I can’t act on my urges, and when I do, I am greeted with very unhappy eyes. It’s one of the harder things in my emotional/sexual life I’ve had to deal with, but I do. 

When he shows he cares, it’s with words that express just how much I mean to him. He can’t even offer what he acts as, but he still shows how much he cares. No matter how difficult or complicated our situation is… I know that it’s worth it for this friendship. 

I miss my friends from Utah every damn day. The simplicity of my girlfriends in Utah, but I can’t go back. Not after all I’ve started here. I want to stay in Seattle, and I plan to. No matter what it takes. 

The thing I miss most is the love I felt from them. All the people in Utah who cared for me, who showed me nothing but love, time after time, even after an argument or a drunken fight. It’s the one thing that they never restricted from me. Love. Fortunately, no matter how far I am from them, I feel their love. 

Now just to figure out some extra shit, and I’ll be on my feet and kicking Seattle’s ass. 

<3